CNN came out with a list of 10 jobs that keep you in shape. Granted, I would say that 8 out of 10 of these jobs that keep you in shape don’t require any kind of degree, so it’s basically for those who are satisfied living at home with mommy for the rest of their lives.
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For those of you that have a little more ambition and work at a desk to afford your own place, it’s a little harder to lose weight (remember the Keith post, anyone?). Don’t worry, the Public Gym has your back.
For example, I have to get up two hours earlier than usual just to get a decent workout in before work. For those that don’t have kids, it would probably be more feasible to skip Happy Hour at your local watering hole at least two nights a week and get your workout in then. Getting up early is well worth it though. You feel great for the rest of the day if you get an early morning workout in!
There’s also plenty of things you can do at work to keep from growing the Secretary Spread. I, for one, constantly fidget…I’m incapable of sitting still in my chair. There’s plenty of other options, too. Whenever you need a break, you can get up and walk around the office instead of sitting there surfing the Net.
You can also stretch. Stretching burns many calories, look at all of those skinny Yoga people! When you recieve a phone call, if you don’t need to be in front of your screen, take the call while walking around your desk. You can even stand up, walk down the hall and visit that hot new secretary that just got hired last week and see if she needs any assistance as an excuse to see her in her low-cut top (Pervert)! There’s plenty of things you can do and they all burn calories. And, every calorie burned contributes to weight loss and weight maintainence.
Now, on the food front….DO NOT go downstairs to that awsome, yummy Mexican restaurant everyday! Instead, pack a lunch, it’s usually healthier (if you’re one who wants to lose weight) and it’s a lot cheaper. If you really want to go to that fantastic Mexican restaurant, order something light, like a salad or soup. Don’t order the sizzling fajitas with an extra plate of rice everytime. This goes for any restaurant: Order light!
To those of you who are trying to lose weight, good luck and remember these tips!
Speaking of New Year’s Resolutions, here’s a good article on how NOT to get screwed contractually by a gym while trying to fill that New Year’s Resolution of yours.
Do you know that January is the most profitable month for gyms? It’s true! People have resolutions to lose weight and get in shape. The thing is, public gyms know this. They also know that people will throw their resolutions right out the window in three months when it becomes “too hard”. That’s the reason you must sign at least a six month contract at a gym, most of them are a year.
The Public Gym is here to help you with some tips to get your lazy ass into shape for 2008. Even though people say it was too hard, or they didn’t have time, or this or that, beating around the bush making excuses, the bottom line is that the reason why people quit going to a gym after a while and waste their money is because of two reasons: They either don’t know how to work out, or they feel uncomfortable working out with other people. The latter, I can’t help you with. That’s a psychological problem and, even though I’ve taken some psychology courses, I’m not an expert and I’d just tell you that you’re wuss.
For the former, though, I probably can help you…People don’t know how to properly work out at a gym, they get sore almost immediately mainly because they try to push too much weight or run too many miles after a year of their muscles practically at the point of atrophe from sitting around so much.
There are so many books and postings on the Internet that tell you how you should work out, how you should eat, when to go to bed for the best weight loss, what kind of diet pill you should take….You don’t know where to start. Here’s a good place to start: Start with you. You, above everybody else, know your body better than anyone. You should consider which workout would be the best for you and then tailor it even further to suit your needs.
Now, when you first work out, you’re going to be sore, that just comes with the territory. Have no fear, it’ll only hurt for a couple days, you pansy…Don’t try to bench press 200 pounds for the sake of seeing the other guy do it, you’re not gonna be able to lift that….start in the mid two digits. If you’re a cardio person, only run for about 5 to 10 minutes on the treadmill…don’t go for the 5 mile marathon right off the start.
Before you do anything, you have to stretch. This may seem like a waste of time, but in order to get your muscles loose you have to stretch. This will also help with the soreness afterwards. Also, like I said, you’re going to be sore, so if girly-man can’t stand the pain, I suggest an ice wrap to put on your muscles for at least 20 minutes a day, five times a day, for several days. This also works for muscle pulls and muscle spasms. If you have a muscle pull, don’t go all hypocondriac, just treat it with an ice pack, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than physical therapy rehab.
Overall, ice packs will help with anything relating to muscle damage, whether it’s a pulled hamstring or a muscle spasm to general muscle soreness. Just by an ice wrap and some topical aesthetic muscle and joint pain relief cream and you’ll be fine. Gyms are expensive, don’t waste your money by going there for only three weeks and paying for it for the rest of the year.
This post is in no way related to anything gym, fitness, cardio or socially related, although it must be shouted from the rooftops. I would consider this blog fairly controversial, if not downright evil on some of the problems that we have in the world, and I spew information unto the world via my skewed sense of how things are vs. how things should be.
It seems Microsoft, that greedy corporate wasteland garbage heap in Silicon Valley, is up to its usual unethical corporate manipulation yet again. Here’s the scoop: SqlSpace, a non-partisan and viable news source forum dedicated to everything from politics and technology to sci-fi and humor has been banned from Digg for posting a screenshot of Windows Marketplace hosting Ubuntu, an offshoot of Linux/Unix, about half a month ago. For SqlSpace doing this, they got banned from Digg because Digg chose to cater to Microsoft.
Now, most of us know what Digg is, it’s a social media news forum. Anybody can post pretty much anything they want up there, as long as nobody gets mentally and emotionally hurt. Basically it has everything from politics and technology down to nostalgic lists like “The 10 best Atari games of 1981″, stuff like that. In any case, Digg is a pretty entertaining read for anybody with a little time on their hands.
Either way, Digg has also been a champion of Linux/Unix platforms for a looooong time, not because Digg chose this, but because since it’s a social media outlet, people chose to post how cool Linux and it’s open-source offshoots really were! Now, Digg is burying any story that mentions SqlSpace and Linux.
The bottom line is, who knows why Digg chose to ban SqlSpace, other than the fact that Microsoft is Digg’s ad provider, and MS basically pays Digg’s bills. Now I have absolutely no problem with Microsoft’s products, even that “shitty shitty” shit called Vista that everyone complains about. I have it at home and I personally have no problem with it. What I do have a problem with, though, is Microsoft’s shady underhanded unethical business practices to hold on to the technological top spot by a string of spit.
I imagine they’ve heard enough about Linux products and realize that after the public backlash of Vista, they need to resort to some kind marketing ploy to regain some market share…it’s not enough to only have 90% of the market instead of 95%….The only thing is, their marketing budget is geared towards suppressing other platforms’ marketing, thus making every other platform go away….And Microsoft wonders, up their on their throne of lies in Silicon Valley, why nobody adheres to Microsoft’s technological ideals anymore. Because people can smell BULLSHIT eventually.
Mr. Bill Gates, you are a fraud. You hide behind your goofy nerdy face and your coke bottle glasses and your righteous charities while, even though you “stepped down” from your position at your own company, you continue to have your hands on the puppet strings. You’re a billionaire, you made your money all the while consciously running a monopoly on technology. Yeah, you may have gotten away with it in the government’s eyes, but not the people’s. You proved that you’re the best, now call it a day and give everyone else a shot.
Do you know that the average American resident pays about $6700 in health insurance a year? Do you know why this is? It’s because America is the fattest nation in the world!! As a matter of fact, six out of seven most common chronic diseases that are caused or worsened by being GIGANTICALLY HUGE!!! cost employers $1.1 trillion in lost productivity alone. Here’s another little nugget of useful information: Some insurance companies charge a 10% to 30% increase in premiums depending on how gargantuan you are! Here’s one more tidbit of info: You fatasses are the reason why health insurance keeps going up! The cancer rate is going down, as well as people with incurable diseases like HIV and the like. Obesity, on the other hand, is going up, waaaaay up, like the needle on your scale and your cholesterol numbers. With obesity going up, so are insurance premiums. The reason why premiums are going up is because the national weight average is going up!
On the other hand, the price of joining a gym ranges from $250 to $500 a year. That’s about $21 to $40 a month, not including initial costs and fees. Plus, if you spend that money, you’ll be doing something good for yourself! Something else will go up too: You’re heart rate! When your heart rate goes up, your body burns more calories, when calories burn, you lose weight. When you lose weight, your insurance premiums go down. I bet you that if you spend two months at a gym, you’ll save about $21 dollars a month in insurance premiums!
But, like everything else that requires hard work, there’s a whole bunch of excuses to go along with joining a gym. All the time, you hear people bitching and moaning, “It’s too hard, it’s too stressful, it hurts my back, I don’t have time….” To these few, of many many more, excuses, I say this:
“Of course it’s too hard at first, your body hasn’t moved since you were 4 years old…lazy ass.”
“If it’s too stressful on your joints, decrease the weight. you’re not Lou Ferrigno, more like Drew Carey. Does he look like he works out?”
“Of course it hurts your back…You know what else hurts your back? All that weight in the front! Your spine has to support that! If it really hurts your back you HUGE baby, put an ice wrap on it…”
“You don’t have time? Well you certainly had enough time to shovel all that food in your mouth, contributing to you being fat, unhealthy, disgusting to look at, great to make fun of and one of the reasons why health insurance is going up…”
Do you see what I mean, people? Excuses are like assholes…everyone’s got one and they all stink. How about this? If you want to work out but don’t want to go to a gym for fear of people making fun of you, buy some used equipment for your home. It costs an average of $375 for a good, used home gym….and no monthly payments! Your excuses, now, are starting to dwindle.
I’m serious, fat-ass people, you need to get in shape. You could at least lose some of that body fat. If you had half the ambition to join a gym that you have eating yourself to death, insurance would go down considerably in this country! Please, us thin people beg you: Put the double-crust meatlovers pizza with extra cheese down and pick up that celery stick. Stop riding through Wal-Mart on those little f&^king scooters that block the ailes and start walking. And, please, when you start walking, don’t walk side by side until you lose weight. You look like a fleet of interstate tractor-trailers. Walk in back of one another. I feel like running for cover, I think I’m gonna get run over.
Now that Winter is approaching in most of our lives, the thoughts of the beach vacation that we took last summer are slowly fading away. The only clear memories we have of it are the hundreds of pictures that you took of monuments, ocean waves, seagulls and obese people that you swore you would never look like.
Winter is a tricky thing, though. It’s where more primal animals start gathering food and hibernating for the winter. Humans are no different. Humans naturally pack on a couple of pounds over the winter months because our body’s natural state tells it to do so. Not many, but sometimes it’s noticeable. Coupled with the fact that people are less likely to be active in the winter months, gorging yourself at Thanksgiving, and eating yours and everyone else’s share of Christmas cookies, plus the leftovers (Oh my! The leftovers!!) you could gain more than 5 to 10 pounds over Winter!
Pretty soon, you’re well on your way to becoming that obese man or woman that you had to walk backwards about 200 yards to get their whole wide behind in the lens so you could snap a picture.
Have no fear, though! There are ways of combating the Winter weight. First and foremost, you must eat less. Lay off the cookies and the eating competitions at Thanksgiving. You don’t need to be rolled over to the pumpkin pie after you’ve had 18 servings of grandma’s stuffing. Go easy on the carbs and the refined sugars. Instead, eat more fruit, vegetables and protein with little or no fat.
Get a membership to a gym. If you feel insecure about other people staring at your jiggly butt, buy a treadmill or an exercise bike and get involved with one of those home - yoga or pilates workouts you see on TV at 5:00 in the morning for those housewives that actually still like to look good for their husbands after 5 years of marriage.
Third, move around at work. Nobody likes seeing a once - good looking girl’s brand new secretary spread, you know, how her a$$ hangs out over both sides of the chair about six inches…So what if you can’t go for your jog over lunch, go for a walk around the office, or right outside. Some movement is a lot better than no movement at all.
If you do these three little things over the Winter months, you should have no trouble staying thin, keeping in good shape and looking good. Plus, the less you put on over the winter, the less you have to lose come Spring! If you’re a diehard gym rat, the less weight you put on over Winter means you’ll lose more weight than you did last Spring and look even better.
There’s no doubt you’ll be turning heads in nothing but a skimpy bikini and flip flops (check these flip flops out!) while you aggressively try to maneuver to get the perfect shot of that shirtless oversized load waddling down the boardwalk on your next beach vacation.
So far, the Public Gym has gone after fat adults, anorexics (twice!) and fat kids. It was only a matter of time that we went after the smokers too. Granted, those people have their problems, but smoking is probably the unhealthiest addiction plaguing today’s society. Even though the smoking society has dwindled a bit in the last 10 years, it’s still a health risk for many people. After all, more than 400, 000 people still die each year from smoking related illnesses.
I know you people love your facts (especially you skinny, bean-pole anorexics!), except you have all heard the many stats and little nuggets about how dangerous smoking is. The only fact about this is that cigarettes are the only product on the market that if used properly WILL KILL YOU. So the Public Gym will give you facts based on IF you quit smoking:
- You tend live longer and better
- The chance of developing lung cancer, having a heart attack or a stroke decrease
- Your kids will lead a healthier life, and your unborn kids won’t pop out of you with birth defects
- You get a pay raise! You’ll save so much money you can fund a new vacation each and every year.
If risking your children’s lives don’t make you quit, let’s appeal to your vanity! How about if you stop smoking now, you’ll be able to breathe!! Isn’t that great!?!? If you stop smoking now, people won’t try to run you over going up a flight of steps because you can’t breathe. If you stop smoking now, people won’t pass by you and go “UUUGGGGHHHHHH” because you stink like a Philip Morris factory. If you stop smoking, you won’t age as much and your face won’t look like a roadmap…or if you stop smoking now, you won’t develop those little lines around your lips that make your mouth look like an a$$hole…even though you may act like one because your favorite bar has banned smoking inside because the paradigm has shifted and the majority of people in this country DO NOT smoke and you’re too busy ranting and raving about it instead of doing the right thing and quitting.
So, instead of thinking up excuses to not quit smoking (ie. My job’s too stressful…My dog died…My wife’s cheating on me…) just quit! Put them down, throw them out and think about the positive. Say you buy one pack a day at an average of $5. That’s $1680 a year and you won’t look like a disgusting, wrinkled, old dried up prune! That’s enough for a down payment on a new facelift for your ugly mug! Also, if you stop smoking, people won’t gravitate away from you anymore because you stink…and you thought it was your B.O.
Believe me, if you think it makes you look cool, you’re wrong. Remember James Dean, how he used to smoke and look cool doing it? Well, James Dean is dead. If the car accident didn’t get him, the cancer would’ve. If the cancer wouldn’t have gotten him, he’d be a parody of coolness dragging around an oxygen tank. Is that what you want??
IN RESPONSE TO “The Skinny…”:
THIS IS DISGUSTING:
THIS IS NOT:
In response to all of the traffic and comments The Public Gym has gotten to the “Hey Ladies…” post, a second post was in order. Anorexics are apparently very sensitive people. They really get on their broom when you post something negative about them…it must be the lack of food. What makes anorexics so special that they have to comment derogatory things on this site? The answer is: They’re NOT special!! They have issues like everybody else, only their issues a lot more noticeable, like when they turn sideways, they disappear.
Since every anorexic wanted facts to go along with us making fun of them, here it goes! Because of very poor nutritional health, anorexia leads to:
- damage of almost every organ, including the brain, heart, kidneys, liver, GI tract, bones, teeth, skin and hair
- Low blood pressure
- Abnormally slow heart rate
- Muscle loss
- reduced bone density
- Dehydration, eventually leading to kidney failure
- Dry and brittle hair and skin
- Retarded growth
Do you know, very skinny boys and girls, what this eventually leads to? DEATH! You will die for the sole purpose of staying skinny. Not thin, skinny…What brought you to this point in your life? Was it peer pressure? Over - achievement? A burning desire to be the best looking? Whatever it was, I’m sure it wasn’t to slowly and painfully kill yourself. Here’s another fact: Over 1000 women die annually from anorexia. Don’t worry though, it won’t happen to you…morons. Maybe you’ll be in the 1000 next year, or the year after. You’ll all eventually die, though, if you don’t get help. If you want help, here’s a start: Info@waldenbehavioralcare.com. Contact this agency if you’re so sick of starving yourself that you’d bring yourself to eat a gas station hot dog, but you just can’t do it. Jump out of your self - righteous tower and go to the hospital where you need to be fed intravenously because your stomach can’t handle anything solid. The only good thing that could come out of anorexia is that if the human race suddenly went to cannibalism, you’d all get eaten last.
While we’re at it, here’s some facts about me, the administrator of this site:
- Your truly is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict
- I once weighed 255 lbs. I’m now down to 164 with a body fat percentage of 7.5 and I didn’t starve myself! How ’bout that?!?! It’s probably still too fat for you people, though…
- As a result of a car accident and glass flying into my eye, I can only see out of the left one now
Yeah, I’ve had my problems, just like you. I could go on and on about my problems, but I don’t really care and neither does anyone else. I don’t preach about it and I’m not insecure about anything. I also don’t take any of that list seriously. I did what anybody else would have done - I fixed it. I did it the right way too - the hard way. I received treatment and I have a daily regimen that I go through to keep myself on track. I didn’t take a pill, I didn’t starve myself, I didn’t look for the easy way out, especially the weight loss. I ate right, I hit the gym, I still hit the gym, I still eat right and I look great, which I can’t say for you conceited string beans. The bottom line is:
- You can’t take life too seriously, you won’t make it out alive -
Your disease on the other hand, should be taken seriously. Instead of commenting on here about how horrible anorexia is and that The Public Gym shouldn’t make fun of it, go out and get some help.
One more note, and I’ll end on this. This site is meant for PARODY only. If you want real hardcore facts and figures, go somewhere else. The Public Gym is to inform AND entertain (at people’s expense, mind you), but we tend to focus more on entertaining. Besides, people that see life as anything more than pure entertainment are totally missing the point.
I’m hungry, you want to split a pizza?
This is for all the parents out there. Do you have a fat kid? Does your kid just sit around and watch TV after school? When the family goes out to eat, does your kid look at the menu and say, “okay”? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. There’s plenty of other parents that have fat children too. As a matter of fact, about 20% of the children in this country are overweight. And it’s only getting worse. It’s been said (I forget by whom) that this generation may just be the first generation to NOT outlive their parents…Isn’t that nice?!?!
Chances are that if your kid is fat, you probably are too. Like anything else, it always goes back to the parents. It’s parents’ performance that initially shapes a youth’s mind. If you sit on the couch for hours on end and eat potato chips and ring dings while the button on your jeans is screaming to release some pressure, you’re kid will inherit that same talent. Therefore, you should really lead by a good example. Go out and be active, put down the cheese doodles and take a walk….and take your kid with you. Have you ever taught your kid how to throw a baseball? Now’s a good time to play some catch with him and actually tell him that kids used to play outside! How about you get in shape yourself. Buy a treadmill and some free weights and tell your kid that you’re sick of not being able to fit through a doorway. If that’s too strenuous for ya, at least teach your kid about physical activity and enroll him into sports. Believe me, when you have a heart attack at 50, he’ll thank you for it.
If you don’t know what can happen to an overweight kid, here’s some stuff to get you started, consider it a reference of sorts:
- childhood obesity is the leading cause of pediatric hypertension
- childhood obesity is associated with Type II diabetes
- childhood obesity increases the risk of coronary heart disease
- childhood obesity increases stress on the weight-bearing joints
There’s also psychological factors too, like a drop in self - esteem and poor relationships with peers. What this means is that your fat kid goes to school everyday and gets picked on by kids specifically for being fat. They call him “jellyroll”, “tons-of-fun” and “Fatty McButterpants”. In turn, your kid is now thinking he’s worthless and feels lower than whale crap. Who wants to deal with a suicidal 10 year - old? In some cases, it also leads to anorexia.
I’m not saying go out a purchase a treadmill and weights for him, that’s for you. Instead, get him active! Get him away from the Playstation, the after - school cartoons and the four cans of soda a night. Have him join a football league, a baseball league. Instead of feeding his face with fatty junk food, have him eat fruit and drink water. Also, like I said, lead by example. Kids aren’t going to take you all that seriously if you don’t do it yourself. That “Do what I say, not as I do” crap doesn’t work. Stop making excuses for your child (ie. “You’re not fat, your big - boned…”, “You’re just a growing boy, don’t mind those Husky pants we just had to buy”, “It’s just baby fat…”) and tell him to go outside and run around. Let me tell you, the thinner he gets the less he’ll be coming home from school with an “Oversized Load” post - it on his back.
Did this ever happen to you?
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