Staying In Shape Over Winter

Now that Winter is approaching in most of our lives, the thoughts of the beach vacation that we took last summer are slowly fading away. The only clear memories we have of it are the hundreds of pictures that you took of monuments, ocean waves, seagulls and obese people that you swore you would never look like.

Winter is a tricky thing, though. It’s where more primal animals start gathering food and hibernating for the winter. Humans are no different. Humans naturally pack on a couple of pounds over the winter months because our body’s natural state tells it to do so. Not many, but sometimes it’s noticeable. Coupled with the fact that people are less likely to be active in the winter months, gorging yourself at Thanksgiving, and eating yours and everyone else’s share of Christmas cookies, plus the leftovers (Oh my! The leftovers!!) you could gain more than 5 to 10 pounds over Winter!

Pretty soon, you’re well on your way to becoming that obese man or woman that you had to walk backwards about 200 yards to get their whole wide behind in the lens so you could snap a picture.

Have no fear, though! There are ways of combating the Winter weight. First and foremost, you must eat less. Lay off the cookies and the eating competitions at Thanksgiving. You don’t need to be rolled over to the pumpkin pie after you’ve had 18 servings of grandma’s stuffing. Go easy on the carbs and the refined sugars. Instead, eat more fruit, vegetables and protein with little or no fat.

Get a membership to a gym. If you feel insecure about other people staring at your jiggly butt, buy a treadmill or an exercise bike and get involved with one of those home – yoga or pilates workouts you see on TV at 5:00 in the morning for those housewives that actually still like to look good for their husbands after 5 years of marriage.

Third, move around at work. Nobody likes seeing a once – good looking girl’s brand new secretary spread, you know, how her a$$ hangs out over both sides of the chair about six inches…So what if you can’t go for your jog over lunch, go for a walk around the office, or right outside. Some movement is a lot better than no movement at all.

If you do these three little things over the Winter months, you should have no trouble staying thin, keeping in good shape and looking good. Plus, the less you put on over the winter, the less you have to lose come Spring! If you’re a diehard gym rat, the less weight you put on over Winter means you’ll lose more weight than you did last Spring and look even better.

There’s no doubt you’ll be turning heads in nothing but a skimpy bikini and flip flops (check these flip flops out!) while you aggressively try to maneuver to get the perfect shot of that shirtless oversized load waddling down the boardwalk on your next beach vacation.

Quit Smoking Now!!!

So far, the Public Gym has gone after fat adults, anorexics (twice!) and fat kids. It was only a matter of time that we went after the smokers too. Granted, those people have their problems, but smoking is probably the unhealthiest addiction plaguing today’s society. Even though the smoking society has dwindled a bit in the last 10 years, it’s still a health risk for many people. After all, more than 400, 000 people still die each year from smoking related illnesses.

I know you people love your facts (especially you skinny, bean-pole anorexics!), except you have all heard the many stats and little nuggets about how dangerous smoking is. The only fact about this is that cigarettes are the only product on the market that if used properly WILL KILL YOU. So the Public Gym will give you facts based on IF you quit smoking:

- You tend live longer and better

- The chance of developing lung cancer, having a heart attack or a stroke decrease

- Your kids will lead a healthier life, and your unborn kids won’t pop out of you with birth defects

- You get a pay raise! You’ll save so much money you can fund a new vacation each and every year.

If risking your children’s lives don’t make you quit, let’s appeal to your vanity! How about if you stop smoking now, you’ll be able to breathe!! Isn’t that great!?!? If you stop smoking now, people won’t try to run you over going up a flight of steps because you can’t breathe. If you stop smoking now, people won’t pass by you and go “UUUGGGGHHHHHH” because you stink like a Philip Morris factory. If you stop smoking, you won’t age as much and your face won’t look like a roadmap…or if you stop smoking now, you won’t develop those little lines around your lips that make your mouth look like an a$$hole…even though you may act like one because your favorite bar has banned smoking inside because the paradigm has shifted and the majority of people in this country DO NOT smoke and you’re too busy ranting and raving about it instead of doing the right thing and quitting.

So, instead of thinking up excuses to not quit smoking (ie. My job’s too stressful…My dog died…My wife’s cheating on me…) just quit! Put them down, throw them out and think about the positive. Say you buy one pack a day at an average of $5. That’s $1680 a year and you won’t look like a disgusting, wrinkled, old dried up prune! That’s enough for a down payment on a new facelift for your ugly mug! Also, if you stop smoking, people won’t gravitate away from you anymore because you stink…and you thought it was your B.O.

Believe me, if you think it makes you look cool, you’re wrong. Remember James Dean, how he used to smoke and look cool doing it? Well, James Dean is dead. If the car accident didn’t get him, the cancer would’ve. If the cancer wouldn’t have gotten him, he’d be a parody of coolness dragging around an oxygen tank. Is that what you want??

In Response to “The Skinny…”

IN RESPONSE TO “The Skinny…”:

THIS IS DISGUSTING:

THIS IS NOT:

In response to all of the traffic and comments The Public Gym has gotten to the “Hey Ladies…” post, a second post was in order. Anorexics are apparently very sensitive people. They really get on their broom when you post something negative about them…it must be the lack of food. What makes anorexics so special that they have to comment derogatory things on this site? The answer is: They’re NOT special!! They have issues like everybody else, only their issues a lot more noticeable, like when they turn sideways, they disappear.

Since every anorexic wanted facts to go along with us making fun of them, here it goes! Because of very poor nutritional health, anorexia leads to:

- damage of almost every organ, including the brain, heart, kidneys, liver, GI tract, bones, teeth, skin and hair

- Low blood pressure

- Abnormally slow heart rate

- Muscle loss

- reduced bone density

- Dehydration, eventually leading to kidney failure

- Dry and brittle hair and skin

- Retarded growth

Do you know, very skinny boys and girls, what this eventually leads to? DEATH! You will die for the sole purpose of staying skinny. Not thin, skinny…What brought you to this point in your life? Was it peer pressure? Over – achievement? A burning desire to be the best looking? Whatever it was, I’m sure it wasn’t to slowly and painfully kill yourself. Here’s another fact: Over 1000 women die annually from anorexia. Don’t worry though, it won’t happen to you…morons. Maybe you’ll be in the 1000 next year, or the year after. You’ll all eventually die, though, if you don’t get help. If you want help, here’s a start: Info@waldenbehavioralcare.com. Contact this agency if you’re so sick of starving yourself that you’d bring yourself to eat a gas station hot dog, but you just can’t do it. Jump out of your self – righteous tower and go to the hospital where you need to be fed intravenously because your stomach can’t handle anything solid. The only good thing that could come out of anorexia is that if the human race suddenly went to cannibalism, you’d all get eaten last.

While we’re at it, here’s some facts about me, the administrator of this site:

- Your truly is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict

- I once weighed 255 lbs. I’m now down to 164 with a body fat percentage of 7.5 and I didn’t starve myself! How ’bout that?!?! It’s probably still too fat for you people, though…

- As a result of a car accident and glass flying into my eye, I can only see out of the left one now

Yeah, I’ve had my problems, just like you. I could go on and on about my problems, but I don’t really care and neither does anyone else. I don’t preach about it and I’m not insecure about anything. I also don’t take any of that list seriously. I did what anybody else would have done – I fixed it. I did it the right way too – the hard way. I received treatment and I have a daily regimen that I go through to keep myself on track. I didn’t take a pill, I didn’t starve myself, I didn’t look for the easy way out, especially the weight loss. I ate right, I hit the gym, I still hit the gym, I still eat right and I look great, which I can’t say for you conceited string beans. The bottom line is:

- You can’t take life too seriously, you won’t make it out alive -

Your disease on the other hand, should be taken seriously. Instead of commenting on here about how horrible anorexia is and that The Public Gym shouldn’t make fun of it, go out and get some help.

One more note, and I’ll end on this. This site is meant for PARODY only. If you want real hardcore facts and figures, go somewhere else. The Public Gym is to inform AND entertain (at people’s expense, mind you), but we tend to focus more on entertaining. Besides, people that see life as anything more than pure entertainment are totally missing the point.

I’m hungry, you want to split a pizza?

Parents’ Performance…

This is for all the parents out there. Do you have a fat kid? Does your kid just sit around and watch TV after school? When the family goes out to eat, does your kid look at the menu and say, “okay”? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. There’s plenty of other parents that have fat children too. As a matter of fact, about 20% of the children in this country are overweight. And it’s only getting worse. It’s been said (I forget by whom) that this generation may just be the first generation to NOT outlive their parents…Isn’t that nice?!?!

Chances are that if your kid is fat, you probably are too. Like anything else, it always goes back to the parents. It’s parents’ performance that initially shapes a youth’s mind. If you sit on the couch for hours on end and eat potato chips and ring dings while the button on your jeans is screaming to release some pressure, you’re kid will inherit that same talent. Therefore, you should really lead by a good example. Go out and be active, put down the cheese doodles and take a walk….and take your kid with you. Have you ever taught your kid how to throw a baseball? Now’s a good time to play some catch with him and actually tell him that kids used to play outside! How about you get in shape yourself. Buy a treadmill and some free weights and tell your kid that you’re sick of not being able to fit through a doorway. If that’s too strenuous for ya, at least teach your kid about physical activity and enroll him into sports. Believe me, when you have a heart attack at 50, he’ll thank you for it.

If you don’t know what can happen to an overweight kid, here’s some stuff to get you started, consider it a reference of sorts:

- childhood obesity is the leading cause of pediatric hypertension

- childhood obesity is associated with Type II diabetes

- childhood obesity increases the risk of coronary heart disease

- childhood obesity increases stress on the weight-bearing joints

There’s also psychological factors too, like a drop in self – esteem and poor relationships with peers. What this means is that your fat kid goes to school everyday and gets picked on by kids specifically for being fat. They call him “jellyroll”, “tons-of-fun” and “Fatty McButterpants”. In turn, your kid is now thinking he’s worthless and feels lower than whale crap. Who wants to deal with a suicidal 10 year – old? In some cases, it also leads to anorexia.

I’m not saying go out a purchase a treadmill and weights for him, that’s for you. Instead, get him active! Get him away from the Playstation, the after – school cartoons and the four cans of soda a night. Have him join a football league, a baseball league. Instead of feeding his face with fatty junk food, have him eat fruit and drink water. Also, like I said, lead by example. Kids aren’t going to take you all that seriously if you don’t do it yourself. That “Do what I say, not as I do” crap doesn’t work. Stop making excuses for your child (ie. “You’re not fat, your big – boned…”, “You’re just a growing boy, don’t mind those Husky pants we just had to buy”, “It’s just baby fat…”) and tell him to go outside and run around. Let me tell you, the thinner he gets the less he’ll be coming home from school with an “Oversized Load” post – it on his back.

Don’t Let This Happen To You!

Did this ever happen to you?

If you want a hassle – free workout try a LifeSpan Fitness treadmill!

Soda: Fat People’s Nectar of the Gods

One of the reasons why people are fat is because of sweetened beverages. Nothing is worse for your diet than sweetened beverages. According to CNN.com, detractors call it “liquid candy”. Sweetened beverages doesn’t just mean soda, (although soda is the biggest culprit) it also means artificially sweetened juices and drinks. Any and all of these drinks are very high in calories and no nutritional content whatsoever. It’s not just the sugar, it’s the corn syrup, starches, additives and other crap that they throw in to the drinks that causes an addictive reaction in people’s brain to keep drinking or to overeat.

“Highly concentrated starches and sugars promote overeating, and the granddaddy of them all is sugar-sweetened beverages,” said Ludwig, who runs the Optimal Weight for Life Program at Children’s Hospital in Boston.

It’s not just adults who drink this rubbish, it’s children too, probably even more so than adults. If you think about it, children love sweet things, from candy to gum to soda. Soda is quintessential junk food just like tootsie rolls and tastycakes. They love it, it’s like liquid heroin! The parents of these children really need to take some kind of initiative to stop their kids from drinking soda and artificially sweetened juices. These inept parents keep ramming soda down little Johnny’s throat through a sippy cup because he complains of thirst and in a couple minutes he’s bouncing off the walls. They need to understand that giving a child a cup of soda gives off the equivalent effect of an adult drinking eight cups of coffee.

After a while of feeding their wild demon spawn, Johnny, soda or other juices, they notice that little Johnny is starting to gain weight, even though he’s being hell on heels and can’t control his hyperactivity. Pretty soon, little Johnny will look like the Michelan Man’s baby…all because his senseless, soft – witted parents (most likely overweight and drink 6 sodas a day, themselves) couldn’t think about the consequences of giving their kid soda. Of course, parents can’t just be blamed for this ( although it is the parents who are at fault), it’s also the marketing that goes into these soft drinks, along with McDonalds, useless toys and everything else marketed to kids (See Pepsi ad below). You think that kids don’t notice this? THINK AGAIN!!!

If you’re an avid soda drinker that wants to lose weight, stop drinking it entirely. Diet soda is fine once in a while, but start drinking water. If you don’t like water because it has no taste, then…

1. Your probably fat and consume 10 sodas a day. You’re so addicted you probably have to have a taste with anything you imbibe.

2. There’s flavored water, like Propel, which gives you a great taste, very minimal calories and a lot of nutritional value.

Soda is such a huge part of people’s diet that people drink it with every meal, as well as in between. A 32 oz. soda contains about 400 calories. That’s almost a quarter of an average person’s caloric intake a day. If you cut soda out of your diet and start drinking water, you’ll immediately start to see results of weight loss. Just don’t replace it with anything else that should come complete with a shot of insulin. Believe me, you’ll look better, you won’t feel like you’re about to have a diabetic stroke all the time and it’ll do a lot for your personal finances!

If you would like to read more about the article that inspired this one, go here:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/diet.fitness/09/18/kd.liquid.calories/index.html

The Skinny on Anorexia

Further Response to “The Skinny…”

Hey Ladies…

Would you rather look like this:

Or like this:

But, let’s hope you don’t wanna look like this:

Here at The Public Gym, we don’t just make fun of obese people. We make fun of very skinny people too…we don’t discriminate on eating disorders! There may be an “obesity epidemic” (everyone knows we love that term here at The Public Gym…) running through America, but there is also another disease festering itself in the underbelly of this nation. It’s like the big pink elephant in the room, everybody sees it, but nobody wants to acknowledge it: Anorexia.

Anorexia is an eating disorder, especially in girls (approximately 95%), where people starve themselves because they think they’re fat. Weight loss is usually 15% below the person’s normal body weight. The disorder is largely psychological in the fact that since someone thinks they’re fat, they just don’t eat. They continue to do this over a long period of time, all the while losing more and more weight. The problem is, when someone with this eating disorder looks at themselves in the mirror, even if they weigh all of 95 lbs. in wet clothing, they still think they’re fat.

Anorexics’ diet mainly consists of water, diet pills and diet soda. The “Anorexic food pyramid” shows their diet in more detail:

The reason why coffee and smokes are up there is because these are stimulants. Stimulants raise the body’s metabolic rate, thus burning more calories and losing more weight.

Needless to say, this is not healthy at all, and people do die from Anorexia. Plenty of therapists are working with anorexics to recover and maintain a healthy lifestyle, but this eating disorder continues to escalate in people at an alarming rate. Anorexics are even setting up pro – anorexic websites to suck young girls into their warped little reality.

The thing is, if people want that killer body, guys or girls, the key is to eat. Having a lean, toned, muscular body is about 70% diet, only 30% actual exercise. There’s no way that you can get all of your nutrients from coffee and diet soda. If you have a balanced diet of proteins, carbs, and fat (very little), and even a little bit of exercise, and you’ll achieve something that looks a lot better than a twig and you won’t look like a strong fart could knock you over. You’ll look very healthy, very attractive and you won’t feel starved!

The Public Gym also has another idea on how to battle anorexia…Like I said, the eating disorder is mostly psychological. Let’s start with how men would look at anorexic girls. Men like curves, not a lot of curves, but they like healthy – looking women. Contrary to popular belief, men do not like stick figures. They feel like they could crack them in half, they’d have to be very careful with an anorexic. So, there is no way that a man would think that an anorexic is attractive or even worth their time, plus, no man wants to be seen walking around with someone that looks like a cancer patient…that would be a big blow to their ego! They think anorexics are downright ugly, gross and disgusting. How would this go over psychologically with an anorexic girl? Probably not too well! So, men, the next time you see a girl that’s anorexic, don’t tell them they’re fat (obviously…), tell them they’re ugly! No girl wants to hear they’re ugly. Tell them you would rather sleep with a slobbering bulldog than her. Then tell her to go eat a cheeseburger to put some meat on them bones! Or better yet, take her out on a date: buy her $10 worth of cheeseburgers from the dollar menu from Mickey D’s and sign her up at the local gym. Get her a personal trainer and a nutritionist. Don’t forget to give her your phone number and tell her that when she transforms herself from a ratty chew toy to a swimsuit model to give you a call.